Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I supernannyed him into submission
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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