Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
