whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
