It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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