found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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