im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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