I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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