I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have already put on my inside pants.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
