All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We're too hungover to prance.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
