Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
