My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
