I should be sponsored by Trojan
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
