If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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