It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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