I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
