She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
