the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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