You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
