I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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