One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
