I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
