He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
