Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I didn't notice because vodka
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
