My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
