I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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