i already hear my dad disowning me
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
