i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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