just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
