So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
