She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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