Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We have so much sex to catch up on
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
