i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
