who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think i have two assholes
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
