My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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