theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
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Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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