I'm lost and stupid without you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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