my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
