I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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