What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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