"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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