am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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