my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
