hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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