if i can run in heels then i can drive
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
