I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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