Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
