im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
