It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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