Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
