I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
