Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
