he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
