she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
