Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I don't deserve a penis
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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