remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
