I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I wish i was in the wii world.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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