Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize