I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
