You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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