I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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